I Have Spells of Uneasiness From Start to Finish-Kindra M. Austin

I traveled over the great Atlantic

because I was a sane woman,

standing

at the edge of my very own flat earth,

who knew what it was in hell that she wanted.

 

I had spells of uneasiness from start to finish.

 

First thing I did when I arrived was

change my face.

Lookin good, feelin good,

you know what I’m sayin?

Then I changed the way I talked.

Local colloquial gets you everywhere.

 

I had spells of uneasiness from start to finish.

 

Ate home cooked food I didn’t like, and

rode in cars

driven by strangers.

Got drunk at darkened pubs, and

bummed menthol ciggies off

of strangers.

Slept in a bed that wasn’t mine, and

shat in toilets

at fancy Chinese restaurants.

Climaxed with a man who wasn’t my husband.

 

I had spells of uneasiness from start to finish.

 

I traveled over the great Atlantic

because I had won a goddamned prize.

I jumped off the edge of my flat earth and

landed in a land I wanted to belong to until I belonged.

Then, I saw

my face was made of plastic;

my voice was only fabricated;

my will was just imaginary;

and I was not a mother.

 

I was not a mother, and I had spells of uneasiness.

 

Then I flew home.

Went through customs with nothing to claim

except for my country,

and my twelve year old daughter.

I’d missed my daughter.

Thank fuck

this had

only been a two week holiday.

Thank fuck for my therapist.

Thank fuck for my fortitude to

face my mental illness.

 

I have spells of uneasiness from start to finish,

but I will live outside of the jar.

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© 2019 Kindra M. Austin